July 10, 2026 Mitch McConnell miraculuously retruned from the dead and gave telephone interviews to several reporters. “I’m not dead anymore and it feels great.” said the resurrected McConnell as he prepared to eat his first meal after the resurrection. “I’m the second person in history to do this and believe me it wasn’t easy after the rough ambulance ride.” he said while taking large bites from a McDonalds hamburger. “The McDonalds and the McConnell’s used to ride back and forth with their swords and lances and stuff banging into each other and shouting about how angry they were and how awful the Democrats were in one ot the rare instances of agreement but we finally made up after getting cold and hungry too often.” said Mitch while his wife remained in the dark about how he did it all. Elaine Chou who is the finalist in the Debroglie Chow-Chow contest last Sunday wanted the world to know something about Mitch but there wasn’t anything that came quickly to mind.
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